Midnight Musings

We all want connection; as  a social people, no matter what culture  or place of  origin, we are wired to seek out others. It  is in our DNA. Scientific studied confirm, empirically and observationally, the  benefits  of socialization and connection,  platonic and romantic. Things like oxytocin, serotonin, are shown to be released  in greater quantity when people interact with others  they know  and have some modicum  of trust and respect for.

And yet nowadays, TRUE connection… is harder than ever.

We  are flooded for choice – calling on phones, texting, social media, and a plethora of communications apps like Discord, Telegram, Signal, as  well as systems integrated into gaming platforms like Steam and  Xbox live mean one can link with almost anyone, anywhere, at any time. But with so many options available, the paradox of choice can result in sensory overwhelm, and people either can’t choose, or forget to. Ditto when two people connect  across multiple platforms. It leads to people starting conversations, but walking away after barely a handful of exchanges. Be that due to exhaustion or distraction, or simply that at the time one is bored and looking to pass the time, because one has programmed oneself  to be constantly stimulated mentally.

Dating apps are no different. There’s so many options available, and so many faces to choose from. Add in that two thirds (at least) of users are men, and that  men swipe on a lot more profiles than women, means there’s a lot of competition. Women, overwhelmed by connections, may retreat, especially if at a date or meet he turns out to be unhinged, immature, unable to handle rejection, trauma dumps, or is simply a  silver-tongued charlatan trying to get laid.

Even in platonic circles, dominance games, curating a persona, affirming and validating one another   without holding oneself or others to a certain baseline standard can lead genuine people to become jaded  and bitter.

We all want connection, but when one is met with scorn, cynicism, derision, mockery, sarcasm, irreverence, memes,  or is simply ignored, it creates a feedback loop in one’s head. One learns to perform in order to fit in. One may even come to rationalize and accept this as the norm, but on some level, one knows that performative attention-seeking for its own sake is a betrayal.  This inevitably  leads to dysfunction and mental health issues like depression, perhaps even multiple personality disorders, as  well as mental strain and exhaustion. This is all valuable information;  it is your mind telling you it  is tired of performing the role you are making it play.

Because here’s the thing: TRUE connection, platonic, romantic, whatever, demands authenticity. Sincerity. Honesty. Openness. And in a society and culture that glorifies quick, cheap dopamine hits, to truly connect  with another, one must be sincere. But sincerity requires vulnerability, which requires honesty, which requires openness. And any lifeform is ALSO wired to avoid vulnerability. Because to make oneself vulnerable – physically or emotionally – risks exposing oneself to pain. And nothing enjoys pain.

Yet despite that, pain is a teacher. Every experience lived is a lesson to be learned. A form of mental resiliency is key to becoming successful. The true flex is not clout, riches,  or popularity, it is peace and the ability and freedom to do the things that make you  happy and bring you peace.

If any of this resonates with you, ask yourself:

1. Who am I? What am I?
2. What do I want?  What do I NOT want?
3. How  do I get it?
4. What do I offer others? How am I presenting myself to the world?

Liking someone’s post is not engagement. Following someone who espouses memes that entertain you, factoids that appease you,  or truth snippets that resonate with you, is not connection.  Identifying oneself as this or that, or a supporter of such and such a cause, does not make you a card-carrying member (if that applies) without actions in the real world that match. Being part of a club and never attending doesn’t make you a part of that community. Quit farming dopamine for yourself online.

Stop play-acting. Stop spinning the dopamine wheel. Go where your presence is seen, heard, acknowledged  and respected, withOUT having to put on a mask. It may hurt. It WILL suck. But true courage is not the absence of fear, it is mastery over fear. Do it scared, do it angry, but do it. KNOW YOURSELF.

And if you cannot find such a tribe, build it yourself.  Be the example others aspire towards. Show kindness, even if it is unwarranted. Forgive those who don’t deserve it – not for them, but  for yourself.  For your actions always reflect who you are and what your values and morals are. If it’s important to you, you’ll make time; otherwise, you’ll make excuses.

And it is your values and morals that help you build  your legacy.  For being unapologetically authentic in an artificial culture is incredibly courageous.