Midnight Musings

This isn’t written out of anger or frustration, but as an invitation to look honestly at how we approach connection and the stories we tell ourselves about it.

There’s a growing trend on social media of people justifying their retreat from dating and relationships with a variety of different  memes and justifications, of which this one is pretty popular. And people’s reasons for that are as varied as they are valid. The current dating marketplace is probably best described as a dumpster fire floating down a flooded street: connection as a commodity, curated profiles, digital personas, and the  gamification of relationships best exemplified by the countless dating apps out there, and the countless faces on them, particularly in a society as hyper-individualistic as the modern one, and oftentimes affirmed and validated through social media. Going back as recently as thirty years, people had little hope of meeting a partner outside of work or school; the world is much smaller now and we are more interconnected than ever. But now, you’re a few taps away from matching with anyone and everyone. That very interconnectedness can drive people to isolate themselves due to burnout. And fear of missing out can drive people to keep swiping, unable to recognize a blessing until it’s gone.

To be clear: people’s reasons for retreating are as varied as they are valid. Men often retreat for peace, and women for safety.

Here’s the catch.

Memes like the above flatten dysfunction. It says “You’re not incompatible with people, the world’s just not ready for your complexity,” as well as anyone who does not fit you perfectly is wrong for you. That you are fine as you are, and don’t need to change. This isn’t wisdom, it’s blind validation. Dopamine therapy. The “puzzle-piece” complexity is often just unprocessed trauma, unclear identity, inconsistent standards, a fear of vulnerability – which relationships absolutely require – perfectionism disguised as discernment and entitlement masquerading as “self-awareness” or “standards.” It says “I’m single because I’m too rare” and is a huge cope.

Connection isn’t complicated, but people make it so. If finding someone meaningful feels impossible, what are you vetting for? Connection relies on values, clarity, respect, effort and timing. Shared interests or hobbies helps, but that just greases the wheels. Nothing else. Not a fifty point compatibility checklist invented by an anxious mind, or ‘twin flame activation polarity oscillations” or alignment of the sun, moon, stars and planets. People sabotage themselves by chasing perfection or chemistry over  relational compatibility, or rejecting good because it’s not great. Those claiming moral enlightenment may also use spiritual language to justify emotional avoidance while refusing to do their own shadow work, wanting validation without vulnerability.

Depth isn’t the obstacle, discernment is. Finding someone of depth isn’t impossible, it just filters out the masses who are not supposed to be in your orbit. What makes it hard to connect is when someone’s list of preferences, demands, or expectations become so bloated no living soul can meet them. This is best exemplified by people marrying themselves or their dog. While there’s definitely a case to be made for having standards and preferences, and to make sure one is not in an environment where such things simply cannot be found (you won’t find diamonds digging through trash), boundaries padded by past traumas and rigid conditions, coupled with a certain degree of inflexibility, is not the wisdom one thinks it may be. Remember your past, but do not let it define or shackle you. And being misunderstood isn’t the issue; the walls people often build do not make them “too complex,” they protect them from intimacy instead of guide them towards it. Connection isn’t complicated. People make it complicated when they won’t face their own patterns. Those who claim to be too complex for love may just be unwilling to risk being known, due to fear, uncertainty, or past wounds yet to be addressed.

The Titan knows complexity is not a barrier; avoidance is. Depth does not isolate, fear does. And discernment refines connection, while perfectionism kills it. If connection feels impossible, examine the fortress you built and your environment, not the world outside it.

Connection, peace, legacy, and love, demand you be honest with yourself – and know yourself – before you can hope to truly know another.

FIDES – HONORES – INTEGRITAS