Midnight Musings

A Titan’s monologue on long-distance connection and how easily they can become traps that cost us the one finite resource we never get back: time.

The world is smaller now. Technology has erased old borders, broadened our scope and reach. It has enabled us to talk to anyone, anywhere, at any time. It is frequently lauded as a keystone of our social and societal progress, as well as our self-professed mastery over our environment. As an inherently social people, this allows individuals to find more like-minded folks no matter where they may reside. This builds community, comradeship, connection. But as with all things, there is a cost.

For platonic connections, this is all well and good, but everyone out there cannot so blithely suppress one’s urges or desires. We all at some level seek to be known deeply. Even intimately. No matter your gender or orientation, there’s that innate drive. A clever wit might frame desire as a trick DNA placed to replicate itself, but it is how the species survives and propagates itself. Whether you want children or not, the desire remains. And nobody is an island, and nobody is immune.

From an evolutionary standpoint, humans evolved from savannah pursuit predators that dwelled and moved in family and tribal units anywhere from twenty to a hundred or so in number. Modern technology enables one to reach thousands – millions! – at a handful of clicks. But the human psyche has not evolved away from that. Meaning, your fifty-ish people you’re closest to are – in the lizardbrain – your tribe. 

For the longest time, one sought out mates among one’s tribe, or among one’s neighbors. Until the arrival of the internet, social media, and dating apps, people overwhelmingly paired up either through school, work, or their social circle. Dating apps and social media changed all that.  When one can search for partners based on interests and hobbies without regard to proximity, it opens up a whole new avenue of connection.

Here’s the catch. If someone is geographically far away – or even in the same city as you! – if your connection is overwhelmingly online, they – and you – can take time to respond. Leaving aside the games people play to not appear too eager/desperate (itself toxic games), it lets one cultivate an image in the other’s mind – and vice versa – of who you are. And who they are. When you’re not physically present, you can curate your responses. Text-based communication gives people time to filter, revise, and present an idealized self. It feels safe; you choose when to engage, and when to retreat. That’s comforting for anyone with emotional overwhelm, trauma, or avoidant tendencies, or for those that simply are shy, very introverted, or not comfortable interacting in person. This is not meant to slam digital connections, but it is a tool. It is not the entire affair, and relying on it as such can be distorting when it replaces embodied IRL presence.

True connection demands sincerity, honesty, and vulnerability. And you cannot hide from the world forever. As one gets to know another who may be physically far away, for attraction to grow, there has to be some plan at some point to reconcile that separation. Yearly visits across the world and spending a week or two together is not the same. It allows you to indulge the fantasy, and breeds emotional irresponsibility as a result. Because long term, fantasies collide with reality, and the idealized perception of who the other person is in your mind comes crashing down. It becomes more about your internal narrative than the other person. When you’re both far apart, there’s no reality check; real conflict, body language, awkward silences don’t exist in virtual or digital interactions. Ghosting, stonewalling, misbehaving all happens in a vacuum with little to no empathy or accountability.

Sharing space – REAL space – is fundamentally different. Real love evokes vulnerability, effort, accountability, presence. These can be uncomfortable for those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. A REAL relationship is based on physical proximity, not just emotional. It requires presence, not just safety. It is fine to meet someone far away. It is fine to fall in love or build relationships that way. But legacy and happiness require presence – anything else is indulging a dream. Proximity brings intimacy triggers: tone of voice, eye contact, body language, touch, scent. These are powerful, sometimes overwhelming stimuli, especially for people with social anxiety, trauma, or attachment wounds. Distance protects people from the pressure of needing to be emotionally or physically present in ways they’re not ready for.

Real is better than perfect. But perfect is where it goes sideways. Even if you talk daily… That’s the issue with distance-fueled romance. It offers the illusion of connection… without the accountability that makes it real. And yet it’s tempting, even for the disciplined, because there’s no fallout if it fades. No shared social circle to feel the weight or community to witness the unraveling. Just silence, a fade-out and another match lost to the current, because you – or they – indulged in the fantasy instead of working to build something REAL. 

If we are to build something that lasts in a world built on quicksand, then we must choose to be present where it matters most. Distance without a plan for convergence becomes fantasy. Connection must be tested, not theorized; intimacy earned, not imagined, and people must be met, not managed. Legacy and prosperity demand nothing less. And games of the heart are not games. 

So when choosing someone far away, ensure long term that you are in alignment. Do not flee from the mirror, succumb to your fears and insecurities, or project them on others; presence over perfection, effort over imagination, reality over fantasy.

FIDES – HONORES – INTEGRITAS