Midnight Musings

This text explores why some people choose silence over noise in environments where being seen is often conflated with being valued. It is not an indictment; simply an explanation. It is Part Two in a series on effective communication.

There’s a small subset of people out there who are often labeled as ‘cold’ or ‘distant.’  People that oftentimes are walking away from relationships. People who choose peace and solitude over connection and engagement. Who isolate themselves, willingly, deliberately, from others. And far too many are all too quick to label these sorts of people all sorts of cruel, heartless things on top of that, but very few – if anyone – ever asks what might drive someone to do such a thing.

Oftentimes it’s a trauma response. One driven by fear. All living creatures are hardwired to avoid things that make them afraid. That might – or have demonstrably shown to – cause pain. Such pain can be physical, mental, emotional. Thrill-seekers might flirt with danger for the rush, but these are not the sorts  of people that get labeled cold, distant, broody, intimidating, serious, or inflexible. It’s a survival trait – building up walls to protect one’s peace and, in extreme cases, one’s sanity. And who can blame them? But nobody ever asks the question of why. Said individuals might not even be able to answer, themselves. Some things take years to work through, even with professional help.

Some scars never heal. 

In the current culture of dopamine-chasing, short term gratification, and attention-seeking, the quiet ones often go overlooked, because they are not partaking in the chaos. They’re invisible; perhaps they simply lack the confidence to be louder, or are simply quiet by nature. But those who have been through the wringer emotionally, who have done the shadow work on themselves, who have  built their peace and happiness themselves, guard and protect it zealously. And thus the young and uninitiated or blissfully unaware will apply labels to make themselves feel good at another’s expense.

It’s a form of toxicity, and definitely a form of emotional immaturity. And yet when the shit hits the fan, it  is the quiet, grounded, stoic ones that one seeks out in the name of safety.  There are exceptions to this, obviously, because at first glance it can seem intimidating, cold, and unwelcoming.

For those for whom all this is but a facade, a trauma or fear response, to have built such walls, it is because they have been incredibly kind, caring, compassionate, tolerant, and have been used, abused, taken advantage of, disrespected and more. Had their vulnerabilities and insecurities weaponized and turned against them. Such people are not insensitive; they’re VERY sensitive. They’re not cold; they’re discerning. They’re not serious; they’re protecting their boundaries and their standards, quite possibly because they’ve seen them go awry, or have paid the price for their absence. Is that so wrong?

These sorts of people, who may be perceived as cold, intense, serious, authoritarian, inflexible, or whatever, may be wrestling with a great pain; we are all fighting battles we do not show the world. And the desire to protect oneself from vulnerability is powerful, especially after traumatic events. It’s risk management. No man wants to see his legacy threatened. No woman wants to be made a victim.  Stoicism demands one live in accordance with nature and reason. Living one’s virtues and focusing on what one can control. This includes not tolerating or exposing themselves to things that may threaten their peace.

So before you label someone, ask yourself: what made them that way? Because who’s really toxic? Who’s really the asshole? The one who  seeks merely to protect their peace and safeguard their reputation? Or the one applying labels without context or understanding?

Be aware of how your actions may be perceived by others. Make sure you are building, and not consuming. The path towards sustainability, personal agency, and legacy, has no shortcuts. But above all else… be considerate, kind, and compassionate.