Midnight Musings

This is a commentary from someone who has lived through emotional chaos, studied communication deeply, and now writes with the precision of someone who refuses to repeat old mistakes. It explores the practical application of intentional communication, and how it preserves energy and integrity. It is the final part in a series on effective communication.

Words. Language. They are the foundation for civilization and culture, and the depths of meaning packed into the sounds we make to communicate verbally are one of the things that set the human animal above the more basic noises they may make. Granted, there’s surprising depth and nuance even in birds’ flock calls, danger calls, and the like, as well as different tones and meanings in dogs’ barking. But it is the spoken word – and after that, written language – that has led genus homo from tool-using primates to what we declare to be the dominant lifeform on the planet.

It has enabled the rise and preservation of the historical record, of great learning and every technological advancement that followed the invention of the lever and wheel. It enables people to verbalize thoughts and feelings, ideas and concepts, with considerable precision and detail. The versatility of most languages and the variety in which words from one will find their way into another can at times baffle and impress. And the English language is quite possibly the best example of this.

For all our linguistic evolution, people still fail at the simplest human task: telling the truth of their own experience to someone they care about clearly.

Yet it may be the sheer complexity of the spoken – and by extension – written word, that can be overwhelming at times. When there are so many different ways of phrasing a question, a statement, far too many stumble. Consider this example: a woman does not like that her boyfriend plays video games. Why? Well, if he is gaming as a reward for doing the things that need doing, such as chores, that is well and good. Escapism is valid, but only when it is earned. Do not hide from life in virtual stories. But a woman may struggle to express this. Is he neglecting her, the household, the relationship, or other tasks and duties that need his attention? How does she respond to this and express it? Is nagging the answer until, out of annoyance or anger, he relents?

On the flip side. Who knows what battles the man may be wrestling with, personally or professionally? Psychologically or financially? Assuming he is not neglecting his partner, family, household or chores. Men tend not to share their deep feelings, for a variety of reasons. But a failure to communicate is still a form of communication. He may resent being nagged at, but if he does not share that he is struggling and finding a measure of peace in escapism, she cannot understand and adjust accordingly. All anyone ever wants is to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. Actions, if necessary, can follow, but the first step is to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. 

But so many fail to grasp the nuances of effective communication. A military aphorism are the ABCs of effective communication, and correspondence follows this script:

• Accuracy – precision and omitting irrelevant details
• Brevity – being aware of the recipient’s time and attention span
• Clarity – the quality of being coherent and intelligible

If you cannot say what you mean, you can never mean what you say. In the example of the couple and the gamer, friction and frustration may arise because both parties are not communicating effectively. There are many other examples as well. People dancing around a point to avoid causing offense, talking a lot but saying very little, filling the air with noise and platitudes. Words come from thoughts, and thoughts from feelings. The takeaway from this is to know yourself, and what purpose does what you want to say/convey serve.

• Who is the recipient?
• What do you want to say?
• Why does it need saying?
• How can you ensure you are being heard?

Time and place matters as well. And asking someone for time before unloading anything on them is important, as is ensuring you have their attention. 

The flip side to communication is comprehension. If you are not using language the recipient understands, you are wasting your breath. We all take everything we perceive and filter it through our internal logic gates: our emotions, our past, our experiences, our assumptions, preconceptions, current mood, time of day/month, and level of comfort or familiarity with a given topic. And a given sentence might mean different things for different people, based on where they are as well. 

An example: someone complains the kitchen is always a mess. How messy is “messy”? What constitutes “messy”? Why does this matter to them? Is the kitchen truly messy or are there just a few things that are out of place? And is this a regular occurrence, or is the complainant using exaggeration (it’s “always” messy) to express disdain or frustration at a smaller issue they are perceiving. The same goes in relationships. Does the woman in the earlier example really resent her partner’s video gaming, or does she just feel left out/excluded? Are her own emotional needs being met? What may be a complaint about excessive video gaming time may actually come from a place of loneliness. This also assumes he is not retreating into escapism for dopamine, and that he has taken care of his responsibilities… we all have them, and they cannot be avoided.

And this does not even touch on the simulation of communication, sharing memes, emojis, or reels. Well and good if something you see makes you think of someone else, or is funny or entertaining or informative or whatever and you know someone who might benefit from seeing it, but that’s not real communication. Liking a post on social media is not engagement. Following someone online is not connection. Sharing a reel  – or only swapping memes or emoticons – isn’t communication. It’s shallow.  And then when a relationship – platonic or romantic – collapses, it is not simply “we misunderstood each other.” Deep systemic issues were never addressed because people were not shown or learned how to, or remained silent to “preserve the peace” – but when you remain silent about something that deeply troubles you, you start a war within yourself. How is that beneficial? Rhetorical question. It’s not.

Neither does this touch on the toxicity of communication, how people fail to realize for whatever reason – their own biases, upbringing, or experiences – that something they say may be incredibly insensitive, offensive, or poorly-timed. To say nothing of ghosting others – a form of cowardice the anonymity of the internet enables. If you are not feeling a connection in dating spaces, say so. Don’t just disappear. How else is anyone supposed to learn or grow? And speak not of “situationships.” You are either in a relationship with someone, or you’re not. Nuance needlessly complicates things, and while it’s okay to be afraid, do not let fear hold you back. Courage is not absence of fear, it is mastery over fear.

In conclusion, parse what you say, before you say it, so you do not cause harm – however unintentionally (unless doing so will shake someone out of complacency) – and understand your own motivations and desires in doing so. Know the power of words and their meaning, and ensure you use them effectively. Get clear on what it is you want, and speak from a place not simply to be heard, but understood. 

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. The path towards peace, legacy and prosperity demands it. Communication is not a talent. It is a discipline. Treat it as such, or watch everything you care about fracture beneath your silence.