Midnight Musings

This rant doesn’t whitewash bad behavior – but it also doesn’t excuse it. It insists on context without absolution, which is exactly the middle ground that some people hate most. Extremes are easy. Nuance requires effort.

What does that even mean? “Just an asshole.” When someone calls someone else, labels them an asshole? It’s a cop-out. What about whatever someone said or did makes them an asshole? Well, let’s see. An ass is a type of donkey, so that’s obviously not it. An ass is a vulgar term for one’s backside, and the ‘hole’ there implies an orifice that excretes digestive end-products. 

So by that logic, is an asshole someone who spouts shit? 

More often than not, someone labeling another ‘an asshole’ is a dismissal or a judgement call – someone has said or done something that causes offense  or violates baseline standards for decency or respect. Ask yourself what exactly makes someone an asshole. Did they say or do something offensive? Was their behavior intentional or not? Some people are simply blissfully unaware of the harm their words and actions cause. There is nothing wrong with these people, per se, they may just have never cultivated an awareness of self; people who have not known or understood, or been held to, a higher standard, those addicted to chaos and excitement, those who have never been challenged, may simply be unaware of the impact their words and actions have. 

That does not excuse poor behavior, but it does explain it. 

Conversely, someone can be ‘an asshole’ for pointing out something offensive nobody else has had the courage  to say aloud, like pointing out a dangerous activity and refusing to partake in it. Or enforcing rules and boundaries that may restrict or prevent an action from happening. Some will use that as a pretext for asserting control, others simply care enough to not want others to come to harm – physical, mental, reputational, psychological, financial. The banker refusing a loan isn’t an asshole. The woman refusing to sleep with a man isn’t an asshole. The teacher enforcing the rules isn’t an asshole. All parties have different motivations, and while labeling them ‘an asshole’ can make one feel good in the moment and help one move past the situation, the bank seeks to protect their investments. The woman seeks to protect her value and her person. And the teacher seeks to prevent chaos or enforce discipline.

Calling something “asshole energy” is often just a socially acceptable way to say “This makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to examine why.” Blunt, clear language is not cruel or violent; nor is advocating standards a form of punishment. That’s not a moral judgement, merely avoidance. The resting place of the mentally lazy. Disagreement isn’t harmful; boundaries aren’t just trauma responses; accountability isn’t oppression.

Everything in life is an experience, and everything is a teacher if one has the right mindset. Know your audience and your surroundings. And the golden rule –  treat others as you would like to be treated – holds true as well. But then again, knowing your audience and surroundings help as well. Inappropriate comments are probably best NOT aired in professional spaces. Even among friends, there are certain things people will take exception to, and if you know their values and morals, their principles, you will subconsciously NOT say or do things to deliberately antagonize your friends.  Because here’s the thing: who you surround yourself with speaks volumes as to the quality and caliber of your character. And while birds of a feather will flock together, if you hang out in sewers, you’re gonna smell like crap.

So pause and think before labeling someone an asshole – what are their motivations? What are yours? Context matters. Understanding is a three-edged sword – your side, their side… and the truth. The truth can hurt… but will make you stronger. And the truth demands accountability. There is no other viable path towards legacy and sustainability that matters.