This text surgically explores one of the core aspects of why people fail to acquire and secure connections, from someone who’s walked through those flames and learned a great deal from their heat… and their absence. It is a call to personal responsibility and a call to action, and points out patterns, not people. It applies equally to men and women who outsource responsibility, demand reward without contribution, or mistake desire for merit.
The sheer number of dating apps out there, and the limitless faces and profiles available on them, can be overwhelming. The sheer amount of choice can be paralyzing; add in the gamification of connection, curated profiles, the “perks” apps themselves will include to extract revenue from lonely souls, as well as fake profiles, can lead many to become jaded and bitter. Throw in how women are flooded with low-effort matches, and men attempt to match by volume instead of quality, with both sides burning out – one from overwhelm, the other from neglect – and it is no wonder online dating is collapsing. This is not bitterness, this is statement of fact and observation, and there’s lots of studies that confirm this.
But ask yourself: what are you looking for in a partner?
Everyone wants connection. Few know what they want, how to find it, or how to keep it, trusting in “vibes” or “feels” to carry them along. Standards are one thing; entitlement is another. You see it everywhere; women outlining a list of demands for a man and what criteria he must meet in order to date her, like it were a shopping list at the grocery store. The three sixes: six feet tall, six income salary, sixpack abs. Others include six inches or better “down below,” or requirements like being a pilot, working in finance, having a trust fund, or having a certain color of eyes. Men, for their part, tend to be much simpler and easier to please: kindness and compassion, but have their own preferences, like long hair. Both parties generally also vet for looks and appearance, as these are indicators of good health and wellness, but there are plenty of exceptions and is not a hard and fast rule.
The list goes on.
Standards are constraints you place on yourself before they become expectations of others. Entitlement reverses that order… and it destroys connection. Standards are behaviors and boundaries one lives by. Preferences are what one would LIKE to see. Entitlement is a fallacy, often externally pushed, that you deserve something you have not earned or worked towards. Because these things are not exactly taught in school or handed down in conversation with family and loved ones (for a number of different reasons, such as broken homes, toxic relatives, or relational trauma), and there’s so much contradictory and conflicting information out there, and one’s own gut can lead one astray, due to one’s past. And one will keep being taught certain lessons until one learns them.
For those confused, uncertain, or lost, here’s a few suggestions to look for in prospective partners:
- Respect and Trustworthiness. Being courteous, considerate, and deliberate with their time and energy – and yours. No breadcrumbing, orbiting, or stringing along. Respecting boundaries; transparency is voluntary, not coerced.
- Emotional Regulation. Do they manage their moods and triggers. Discomfort doesn’t become chaos, punishment or withdrawal.
- Accountability. Owning their behaviors without blaming or deflection, and course-correcting. Feedback is information, not an attack.
- Solitude Capacity. They can be alone without panic, shutting down, or using relationships to self-soothe. If a person can’t govern themselves, they’ll ask a relationship to do it for them.
- Reciprocity of Effort. Not equality – balance. Making time and matching effort. Energy evens out over time, or reveals misalignment. Are they always too busy? Are you?
- Consistency over Intensity. The latter is cheap and short-lived; the former is rare and builds trust, while also revealing character.
- Repair Capacity. How they handle disagreement, conflict and misalignment is important. Healthy connections aren’t conflict-free, they’re repair-capable. The willingness to have hard conversations and overcome challenges, instead of walking away (except to let cooler heads prevail).
- Long-term Intent. What do you both want? Family? Travel? Chemistry isn’t compatibility; without trajectory alignment, erosion chips away at whatever foundation you might have.
- Mutual Growth Orientation. Not perfection, direction. Two imperfect people moving forward together outperform one person dragging another. Growth is visible change over time, not endless “I’m trying.”
- Peace as the Baseline. Does their presence excite or soothe you? Don’t be afraid to walk away if it feels wrong, but don’t be too quick to judge, either. Stability matters; how someone leaves can reveal how they would have stayed.
From an evolutionary perspective, there’s a reason the muscular, masculine, V-shaped torso is so appealing; ditto the feminine hourglass-shaped torso. They signal good discipline, hygiene, and physical capability. Health and fertility. But disregarding someone based on physical traits they have no control over, like height or hair/eye color, is damaging and selfish. You can control your weight and appearance; you can’t do much for your height. Religious and political beliefs can adapt and change & should not be held up as an absolute requirement, so long as they can respect yours without proselytizing or shaming them.
A standard that is not enforced is a preference. A preference that is negotiated becomes entitlement, and this breeds resentment. Resentment kills attraction, and the willingness to walk away without bitterness is the ultimate expression of standards. Like the woman listing her requirements or expectations in a man – say you matched with him. What do you offer him in exchange? Or the gamer guy living in his parents’ basement, working part time at the local grocery store, and wanting to hook up with a supermodel? Why should she pick you? Those questions are the topic of another treatise.
It may be polarizing to say, but it needs to be said: men choose women that can nurture the future. Women choose men who can protect it. Forget what society has told you. Ask yourself what do you want, what are you vetting for, and are you someone who can attract it, hold it, and nurture it. Dating is not simply a fun activity to pass the time; you are vetting for compatibility, not just chemistry, your future self will thank you for. If you’re on a dating app and you aren’t looking for anything long term, or just want sex, say so. So you attract what you want, and don’t waste time with what you don’t want. Furthermore, nobody wants you to lower your standards, but one must also ensure one’s standards and preferences are reasonable, attainable, and sustainable by the other party, and are not like diamonds in the rough.
Legacy and Prosperity are not built any other way.
FIDES – HONORES – INTEGRITAS
Midnight Musings 
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